The power of relationship

Do you ever wonder why some people seem to “make it” in life while others of similar backgrounds just don’t?  By “make it” I don’t necessarily mean that they become financially wealthy, win a huge commendation, or end up a super-star, although any of those things could have happened – I simply mean that they develop lives for themselves with which they are happy and that they feel a sense of fulfillment.  These people exude a positive energy that is magnetic to those around them.  You can find them anywhere, in all walks of life – a stark contrast to the discontented masses around them.

Some of these people have beat the odds.  Some of them have come from backgrounds that were financially poor, had families who struggled in multiple ways, and some were even horribly abused.  Why can such a person rise from a difficult background while another person in a similar situation grows to be damaged, bitter and toxic?  We could take the contrast even further; why can such a person grow to beat the odds while even a very priveledged person can grow to be damaged, bitter, and toxic?

During my time in graduate school, one of my professors, Fran Grossman, Ph.D., was interested in the subject of resiliency.   Dr. Grossman studied women with histories of sexual abuse and tried to determine why some women seemed to overcome their pasts while others did not.  Her results have remained in my memory ever since.

What Dr. Grossman found was that those women who had had even one relationship in their lives that was supportive and consistent were the ones who were able to be resilient.  This is amazing to me.  To have one person in your life who believes in you can make all the difference. This is the factor that can allow someone to beat the odds.

What does this mean for us in our lives?  Do you have a person who believes in you and lets you know it?  Do you play that role for others?  Of course, for many of us our parents played that role at least through childhood, but what about as we reach adulthood? Or what if our parents were too damaged themselves to give us that sort of love as we grew?

In my many years of doing psychotherapy and then coaching with clients I believe that the core function at play here has been to support people in this way: to be a person in their lives who really believes in them and lets them know it.  I also believe that that is the reason so many people who include a coach, therapist, or mentor in their lives beat the odds.  If they don’t have a person in their lives already who plays this role, they get the help they need.  Just as a professional athlete keeps a coach throughout their career, these people understand that such a relationship is the factor that makes the difference.

Surf lesson with Evandro Santos Barra da Lagoa Brasil

Last weekend I took my first surfing lesson.  I am 43 and have never been  what I would call an “athlete” although I’ve gone through times of having a good physical fitness routine and was actually an aerobics instructor in college for a short while.  In recent times I have to admit that I have fallen away from regular exercise.  I always seem to let something else get in the way.

So you may be surprised to hear that I took a surfing lesson.  So was I.  I will be completely honest: my older daughters wanted to sign up for surfing as soon as we arrived in Florianopolis and they soon completed the 4 class course.  Not long afterward, my youngest daughter began begging for lessons as well.  Last weekend we journeyed by bus to the beach for her first lesson.  I was completely caught off guard when the instructor asked if I would also like a lesson.  I politely declined.  He then said he would include me for free just for fun.  This was quickly followed by his wife stating that I should take him up on the offer because it was unusual for him to make one like that.  I dodged with my next excuse, “I wasn’t expecting to take a lesson – I don´t even have a swimsuit with me”.  “Not a problem”, she replied, “you can go naked under the wet suit”.  My daughters were eagerly pushing me to do it.  I was trying to think of any other excuse I could imagine when the owner’s wife began measuring wet suits to my body.  I couldn’t think quickly enough and before I knew it I was being ushered into the changing area, wet suit in hand.

I have always been passionate about parenting through example.  As a mother of 3 daughters I want them to be physically strong and confident.  I have been a weak example in this category but I hate blatant situations like the one I was in.  I do not want to model a woman who is unable or unwilling to stretch physically to my kids.  It was exactly this line of thinking that had me climbing a 25 foot ladder to swing from a trapeze a couple of years ago.

Now I was in my wet suit practicing how to catapult myself in one move from my belly into a perfectly centered straddle on the sample surfboard the instructor kept outside his building.  No way was my body going to do this in one move. It was taking me about eight moves  I’m sure.  After attempting this a few times I found myself carrying a surfboard down the beach getting ready to enter the water.  My mind was racing.  “God dammit! I do not want to get into this water and make a fool of myself on this god damned surfboard in front of my family and this pro surfer!”

Nevertheless, I was now in the water after a brief explanation of what to do.  My 9 year old daughter went first.  The instructor pushed her and yelled in his cute Brazilian accent, “Standy uppy now!” She nimbly leaped up and surfed all the way to shore in her first attempt. I was so happy for her and excited to see her abilities.  This excitement soon turned to dread however as the instructor turned me towards the shore and I felt his inevitable push.  “Standy uppy now!” he shouted.  I got to my knees, felt the imbalance of the board, got to my feet, wobbled and flew off into the shallow water hitting my hip on the hard sand.

I won’t repeat the words going through my mind, but I got up and went back out.  The subsequent falls didn’t hurt as badly as I learned to stay flatter when I hit the water but I feared that I would not be able to do what all my kids had done so easily.

On about the 4th try, the instructor said, “Just believe – likey  you are 5 years oldy”.  What the hell, I thought, I’ll pretend to be 5 – I was falling every time anyway.

“Standy uppy now!” I heard him yell.  For that moment I let myself be 5 years old without fear.  I got to my feet, balanced, and before I knew it I was all the way to the shore.  What a feeling of accomplishment!

I fell a few more times in that lesson but I surfed to the shore about 4 times without falling.

Experiences like these are what make life full.  They also keep us young.  Of course, physical exercise is vital to maintaining a more youthful body – but more than that – the mental effects of challenging ourselves to new activities are extremely important.  It is easy to fall into the mind numbing state of complacency with our daily lives.  It is easy to feel like life has very little new or exciting to offer or perhaps that we have the ability to take advantage of what it does offer.  But to truly stay young at heart we must strive not to let ourselves be lost in this.

Let me quote Gabriel Garcia Marquez from his final poem to his friends as he met the challenges of lymphatic cancer,

“Marionette”-

If for an instant God would forget that I was a cloth marionette, and he was to present me with a little piece of life, possibly I would not say everything I thought, but I would definitely think about everything I said. I would value things, not for what they are worth, but for what they mean. I would sleep little, and dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light. I would go when everybody else is stopped, wake when when everybody else was sleeping. I would listen when everybody else was talking, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream!

Through my surfing experience last weekend I realize that one of my great challenges as I get older will be to continue being a worthy owner of my life by keeping my mind open and willing to try new things so that I can enjoy all there is to be had and give to others more fully.

I ask myself why I mentally fought the idea of surfing when it was presented. Why is my knee jerk reaction to challenges to say “no”.  Once I completed the lesson I was happy and felt exhilarated by the new experience, just as I had felt after the trapeze lesson.  So what is it at a deep emotional level that pulls us to stay in that mind-numbed state?  I don’t have an answer yet but I know it comes from the dark side of ourselves.  I challenge you as I challenge myself to look closely at that dark side, accept it for what it is and try to understand it for only through that understanding will we be able to work with it and free to make choices to own and design our lifestyles.

Have you ever thought about it?  Your knee jerk reaction may be to say, “Of course, I do”.  However, do you ever find yourself saying or thinking things like,

“I would start exercising if I didn’t have to work so many hours each day” or

“I’d travel the world but there’s no way I could get out of my job to make it happen” or

“I’d like to try something new but everyone is depending on me to keep our home life like it is”

These may not be your particular words but insert your own.  In a nutshell, do you find yourself feeling trapped in the life you’ve created and wishing you could make a change “if only….” ? If you are experiencing these feelings – you don’t own your life.

Do You Own Your Business?

A lot of business owners have similar feelings to the ones above but they are focused on their business.  Maybe you have worked years to build your business or clientele.  Your business has grown in the ways you hoped but you never feel in control.  On the contrary, the business controls you!  You may find yourself thinking/feeling things like:

“There is no way I could leave anyone in charge of this and get away for an extended vacation”

“This was my passion when I started years ago but will I ever get to try other things in my life?  I can’t get out of this!”

“Like I have time to do anything else! I’m tired when I get home and then there’s the book keeping, the marketing, all the things I’m behind on.  No way I can start doing the things I want”

If you find yourself in this mindset – you don’t own your business!

Are You Ready to Own What is Yours?

Are you ready to own what is yours?  Again, you may say “Of course!” but think seriously before you answer.  Ownership brings with it a lot of responsibility.  If you make the commitment to own your life and/or your business you will be the one and only one responsible for your experience.  The feelings/thoughts above that you may be having will have to be let go.  They’re only excuses of people who aren’t real owners.  When you own your life or business you take charge.  You make the decisions, take the actions and surpass the obstacles if they arise.

Owning your life and business is a courageous action and not for the weak of heart.  In fact, for most people it will take the support of a mentor or coach to bring it to fulfillment. Coaching can help you develop your ideas for what direction you want your life and business to take, create a plan for bringing those ideas into reality, and then act as an accountability partner to make sure you remain on the path to your stated goals.

Nomadic Lifestyle Design – Becoming a Super-Owner

Some people are now taking ownership of their lives and businesses to an even higher level – breaking out of previous molds and shattering conventional thought about traditional life courses.  These people are using technology to free themselves from the need to remain in one geographic location.  They are NuNomads (also called Location Independents, Digital Nomads, Technomads).  By designing careers and lives that allow complete mobility, these people are seeing the world while they maintain their income and career trajectory.

As a NuNomad myself (co-founder of NuNomad Ventures, co-author of “Quit Dreaming and Go!” and the upcoming “The NuNomad”) I would be more than happy to act as your coach as you transition into this lifestyle of complete freedom.

Contact Me

If you are ready to take the leap to life and business ownership or if you’d like to move to the next level of nomadic lifestyle design, please contact me for a complimentary call.  I’ll try to answer your questions and see if we’re a good match!  Get in touch at anytime.  I am currently owning my life and business in Florianopolis, Brazil which is one hour later than the east coast of the U.S.

You can contact me 3 ways:

1. Use my U.S. phone number (512)589-8534
2. Skype me at drcoach1
3. Email me

//

First – be sure that if you are in a partnership that there is a written agreement as to what should happen in the event of a partner’s death.  Will the business go to the other partner?  Will the surviving partner need to buy the other half from the deceased’s family?  Find a lawyer and work this out.

Secondly – look into how insurance can help in these situations.  Insurance can be purchased that would provide the funds upon the death of a partner for the other partner to purchase the business from the deceased’s family.  With the agreement in place and the insurance purchased everyone is taken care of and there are no unanswered questions.  In addition, know that insurance can be purchased that will cover the costs of hiring and retraining should a key employee pass away as well as cover losses suffered through the loss of this employee.

Learn more from expert, Matt MacWilliams by reading these two documents:

Key Employee Insurance

Buy Sell Agreement

I need to transfer some money at the bank.  This goes in my “Errands” category because I will need to be out to get to the bank.  I also have “Drop clothes at Goodwill” in the “Errands” category.  Writing this blog is in my “At Computer” category along with “Clean up email Inbox”.

The idea is the next time you have a moment free and you happen to be at your desk, instead of spending time wondering, “What’s the best thing I could do now?”, you simply go to your “At Desk” category and start to execute on the items you have put there.

I have spent many hours so far creating the structures to organize my life around the concepts in this book.  Getting the system set up is a big job – I won’t kid you.  However, my desk is looking great, my calendar makes a lot of sense, and I’m sleeping well!  I’m very excited about how this is going to change my productivity.

What I was witnessing were the qualities that are so often written about in books on leadership.  The majority of successful business leaders are able to make fast decisions and implement them immediately.  They do not second guess themselves.  If something goes wrong later they will get it fixed but they know how to act in the present without getting bogged down by the ambivalence that can plague so many of us.

 Hall stresses how important it is to have a unique idea when starting a new business. He calls this having a “Dramatic Difference”.  When you have a “dramatic difference” your chances of business success rise by over 300% according to the book!  That’s no small change!

When you start a business it’s important to Think Big from the beginning when it comes to setting up your systems.  Thinking Big can save you a lot of headaches and money in the long run although it may cost a bit more up front.  In other words, when you’re choosing systems like a book keeping system, a communication system, etc. be sure to choose a system that will grow with your business and not become obsolete should you grow bigger than you expect.  Do research on the products you’re looking at.  If they max out at a certain capacity, ask what your options are for upgrading.  How established are the companies offering the system?  Could they disappear overnight?  I once decided I would create my own web-site and was excited to find a really cheap site building software program at a local tech store.  When I got home and got it loaded, I found out there was no customer support because the company was already out of business. Money wasted.

A cousin of mine made a fortune in specialty photography services.  Many years after he was in his business I asked him what his secret was.  “Take your money and invest in the most up to date technology to stay ahead of your competition” is what he answered.

So – here I am writing my first blog.  This is a system that will allow me to reach the world without limits.  This time I won’t be left in the dust with the rest of the skeptics!